Unrequited
by Dawnie'B
Summary: Because as he learned early on, you can never get everything you want. Nor can every single person love you. They're their own people with their own minds and feelings. Unrequited CS, AS. Implied Pearlshipping


_"__Narito ang puso ko, naghihintay lamang sayo. Kung ako na lang sana…."_

[My heart is here, waiting for only you. If only it were me…]

Drew groaned before pressing the skip button on Spotify.

_"__Kung ako ba siya…"_

[If I were them…]*

"Ugh!" He let out before ripping off his headphones and throwing his phone to his bed.

It was as if life was trying to remind him of his pain in every way it could and his Spotify playlist wasn't spared of its wrath.

However, it was his heart that took the most damage. And no matter how he wished he could awake the next day with the burden of his feelings gone, it wasn't going to be that easy. It never had been.

Hell if it were, he wouldn't be alone on a Friday night lounging in his bed with only the comforts of music radiating from his phone.

If it were possible to have everything go his way, for destiny to side with him for once, he wouldn't be living in fantasies and what ifs. He would have more than the daydreams that spring up in the quietest of his moments. And he also wouldn't dread opening his eyes every morning in wakes of reality for his reality would have been superior to any dream his mind can muster.

But life was never that simple. Nor was it ever going to get simpler.

Because as he learned early on, you can never get everything you want. Nor can every single person love you. They're their own people with their own minds and feelings.

He understood that. But how he wished it didn't have to strike him so hard.

If life were perfect, if he were perfect, he would have gotten over it faster. But as life was far from perfect, so was he. And though it was only human to feel pain it was pain that made him dread being human. For who would want to be trapped in a cycle of constant suffering and sorrow? Who would want to live with destiny so out of their control?

So there he was. Alone and lamenting on his failures and his grievances.

Most of which were not his fault.

Nor were they hers

They were not even _his_ fault for his only sin was being the lucky one

It was the doing of faith and the harsh reality that expecting to go your way is optimistic thinking and optimistic thinking did not thrive in a cavern of suffering

Not when he wanted only one thing and others wanted the same thing and faith dictates only one gets their wish while the others are left outside trying to salvage something else

But no one ever discussed how hard it was to settle for something else and rewrite the dreams you were so adamant on.

And just how could he find and learn to love someone else when it's always been May. Even when he wishes It wasn't and he understands that she can never look at him the way he looks at her.

Had he just had his mind, he would've moved on a while ago for moving on was only logical. But his heart was a pathetically stubborn thing still hoping for what he objectively knows will never happen.

And ironically he and May were one in the same when it came to that.

For she also was hanging on to the hopes that Ash would love her back too. No matter how much she tried to move on and deny it.

It hurt him to see her suffering. And though he knew it was irrational he hated Ash for having May's love but being unable to return it—even though it wasn't his fault and neither was it May's.

Drew closes his eyes as he breathing began to steady.

His mind drew back to the beginning of their story.

The day they first met

The roses he gave

And the day his heart first began to break apart.

_Flashback_

"May, what's wrong?" Drew asked.

He watched as May, who he could see only through his screen, attempted to plaster a small smile upon her face.

He would've bought it if it weren't for her eyes. He always found them beautiful for they were the windows to her soul. They were a deep blue akin to the color of the ocean. But in the wake of the forces of her emotions that could only take in so much. And despite the slight curve of her lips he could see the tears threatening to spill had it not been for the slight grasp of control she had to remain composed.

But not all levers could last forever and the emotions sealed within the chambers of heart would eventually spill over.

"N-Nothing. It's…I'm just tired," she assured.

Drew noticed her try to stretch her smile just a tad wider to further feign the image that everything was okay. But it wasn't.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure," May said as confidently as she could.

"I'll take your word for it. But just know that I'm all ears if you need to vent," Drew replied.

"It's alright. I'll be okay, but thank you. It's getting late and I don't want to keep you up any longer so I think I'll head to bed. I'll talk to you tomorrow?" May said, her jaw evidently quivering with every word.

"Hey this is nothing. You know I'm always here. I just can't help but wonder if everything really is okay but if you don't feel comfortable telling me, I respect that. Just remember that we're friends now and I have your back, okay?" Drew replied.

May chuckled softly. "Okay. Thanks again Drew, I'll talk to you tomorrow. Night."

"Night May."

…

"I'm an awful person!" May cried out. "I'm despicable. Scum. Trash. Everything negative and wrong in this world I'm—"

May fell to her knees in hysterics as she began stuttering more insults to herself.

Drew kneeled and shook his head as he slowly crawled closer. "May. I'm not sure what's going on but you aren't—"

"Yes I am! If you could hear my innermost thoughts you would hate me too! I'm the worst and don't deserve your friendship or anyone else's I'm—"

"May, we all have dark thoughts. It doesn't necessarily make you horrible—"

"But I am!" she cried out.

"No you aren't. You have a big heart and you've been nothing but kind to everyone around you-"

"I'm not kind," she emphasized as she shook her head rapidly. "I'm not—I'm the worst I-I-I'm—" May was unable to finish as she buried her face in her hands.

"May, I don't know what this is about and I'm a bit confused. If it helps you can tell me and that might better help me understand. But all I know is you are the farthest from awful, in fact I don't know anyone with a heart as big as yours," Drew assured as he placed his hand on her shoulder, slowly caressed it in hopes it would give some comfort.

"Dawn's my friend, but I can't help but envy her. Hate her even and I know it isn't her fault especially when she's been so nice to me but I-I can't help it. And the thoughts I have it's awful and I'm despicable," May blurted out.

"Dawn? Ash's traveling partner in Sinnoh? The one you met in the Wallace Cup?"

"Yes, her. She's a nice person. I'm the one that's rotten and perhaps that's why Ash loves her and not me. Who would love someone like me, Drew? I don't even love who I am," May spat.

Drew's eyes widened and his heart felt as if it were going to burst.

He was a prideful person. Some said he was a know-it-all and it's true Drew loved being right. But in that moment he wanted nothing more than to be wrong.

"May…do you have feelings for Ash?" he murmured.

Every second felt like an eternity as he awaited her answer with hopes he would be wrong.

May stood up and hastily wiped her eyes before staring straight into his.

"I wish I didn't…but I do. I'm in love with him, Drew. But I know he doesn't feel the same."

Drew felt his heart drop at the end of her sentence.

"I'm sorry," Was all he managed to say.

May placed her hands on his shoulders before shaking her head. "Don't be. You can't make someone love you back."

"You got that right," Drew whispered under his breath.

"Dawn's a nice girl. I know she'll take care of him. I just—I can't help feeling bitter and thinking negatively. I can't help but feel it's unfair and wish it were me instead. Though I shouldn't feel that way because it's not pleasant and she has done nothing wrong to me," May explained as a few tears rained from her eyes. "It's pathetic to be in love with someone who is in love with someone else and to naively hope that they'll wake up and change their mind. The fact I'm still hoping and holding on to a fantasy that will never happen. Because the reality is he loves her and not me and it never will be me."

Drew clenched his fist and looped his arm around her, pulling her into a comforting hug.

"May, that isn't pathetic. It's…it happens. You can't control who you fall for and it isn't your fault he doesn't feel the same. He just doesn't. And moving on isn't always easy, but it'll happen in time. Don't feel bad for feeling jealous or hurt. At least you recognize it isn't Dawn's fault and you are trying to work through your anger. That's the first step," Drew said calmly. "And one day you'll find someone who loves you back. They could be right in front of you too, you never know. I know this feels like the end of the world but I promise it isn't."

"I know it isn't…but it's hard to stop feeling sad a-and—" May whimpered once more and Drew held onto her tighter.

"Feel free to cry and let it out. I'm here, don't worry." May sobbed into his shirt and Drew let out a sad smile.

"I always will be here," he whispered.

How he wished

..

"Have you ever loved someone who didn't love you back because they were in love with someone else?" May asked.

Drew froze, his shoulders perking up at the abrupt question. "Why do you ask?"

May bit her lips. Her eyes drooped downward as she sharply inhaled.

"I…I just need advice. But if you haven't or don't want to say I understand—"

"I have," Drew interrupted. "And that's why I'm not the best person to ask on how to get over it. Because it's something I'm still trying to figure out."

"Oh, Drew…I'm sorry I didn't know it was still affecting you," May apologized.

Drew shook his head. "No need to apologize, it isn't your fault. She doesn't feel the same and I have to accept it."

May stepped closer and clasped her hands over his. "If you need anything, let me know, okay? We'll get through this together. I can't make her fall in love, but I'm here for you too."

Drew took his hand and brought it to May's face, slightly tilting her chin up.

"That means more than you know."

May grinned as she set her hand on top of his. "She must be an amazing girl to have someone like you in love with her. Maybe for you it isn't hopeless. Maybe you both will end up together in the end, you never know."

"Maybe yes, maybe no. Just as long as she is happy I know I'll be okay," Drew replied.

_end flashback_

Drew felt a lone tear roll down his cheek as he recalled what had happened.

It's been years since she told him the truth and it's been since then that he's held a mask up around her.

It's still Ash and he can't complain because in the same way that she hasn't gotten over him, he also had yet to get over her.

He enjoys her company and their friendship has been one of the most important relationships in his life. It makes him feels selfish to be dissatisfied with the status.

But along with the joy its given him, it's been the cause of his silent agony. He's only her best friend and that has never and most likely will never change. The development of the relationship is at its end and the flame of hope for something more has dwindled into mere flickers that do more harm than good.

He can absorb himself in as much dreams about the two of them as much as he wishes. He can fantasize and whisk up scenarios about a future involving it ending with them. He can feel happiness in every interaction and sweet moment they share.

But all his thoughts and feelings are nothing more than just his delusions. He can think and feel as much as he wishes but none of them will come true. For it exists only in his side and not hers. When she says she loves him she means he's a great friend and she's thankful for having him in her life. But he's never said it. Because the moment that word slips from his lips he means it wholeheartedly and not just in a platonic sense.

Drew sighed again.

When they hug she sees it as a friendly geasture. But it is in every action that his love is flowing and those hugs are no exception.

Of course, she can't see that. Because how can one see what they don't feel.

Maybe someday he should tell her. But he fears rejection because that means the death of that flame within his heart. It means the vanishing of the fantasies that do him no good but act as coal for a diminishing hope.

He fears losing her even if what they have isn't what he truly wishes.

And so he forces him every day to compensate. And although it isn't enough, it still is something.

Just as she cannot get Ash to love her, he can't make her choose him either. And his position in her life is on her accord, just as hers is on his because not everyone will value you the same way you value them. But while others opted to move on and find someone who will feel just as they do, he remained to try and make himself accept the imbalance.

Maybe, maybe someday she'll know. But he fears the cost that comes with the quest for that answer.

So he stays quiet and buries it all within. Realistically nothing can stay sealed forever and one day he too will reach his breaking point.

But he doesn't care to do anything else but remain in the cycle of his innermost emotions. Even if it'll come at a cost.

She doesn't know he loves her. And she doesn't know what it's like for him to go about every day pretending he isn't hurt and that she in a way contributes to it.

And as he supposes, she probably will never know.

And perhaps it's best it stays that way.

-x-

**7/13/2019** \- Late upload of a story I wrote for a friend not too long ago. Reading it and looking through the pokemon fanfiction area is quite reminiscent of the days I spent on this website as a child around 2009-2013 Not sure how many people still use it or how many still check out the pokemon archive, but I thought it would be fitting to publish one last story before I disappear once more. To anyone who may see this + was awaiting an update of anything I ever wrote, I'm sorry;( Adulthood really gets to you and finding the time (and the inspiration) to keep writing is difficult. Nonetheless, I'm grateful for what ff taught me growing up and the memories I had as both an author and a reader. Special shoutout to those who inspired me to write + those who kept encouraging me. From an awkward 13 year old who had no idea how to properly use quotations to an adult woman counting down her final days of undergrad-it's been a wonderful ride.


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